Helm's Deeper

Rooney for World Player of the year? F*** off!

2004-10-07T16:03:00.000Z

Lemme say this now - the FIFA World Player of the Year Award is an absolute joke. How they drew up the list is beyond me.

If we just take the British nominees on their own, the list is a farce.

David Beckham is on there, despite having an average first season for Real and a horrendous Euro 2004. Ryan Giggs is on there - good player still, but not outstanding. Outperformed by Cristiano Ronaldo last season. Lampard had a good year, but is he world class yet? No way. Nowhere near the best player in the Premier last season (Henry). Owen, well he had an okay season for Liverpool, a fairly anonymous Euro 2004 (not entirely his fault) and has had an awful start to his Real Madrid career. And finally, Wayne Rooney. How the hell can he be on the list? He had a fantastic Euro 2004, granted. But he hardly shone at Everton last season and he's only played two games for United so far. How can that count? Even putting considerable bias aside, Gerrard is the best British candidate on that list and even he shouldn't be on it. And neither should Milan Baros, who had a better last season than Rooney and, arguably, a better Euro 2004.

Madness. European Player of the Year counts. World Player of the Year is a farce.

The Emirates Stadium

2004-10-05T19:35:00.000Z

I'd be pretty annoyed if I was a Gooner. 'The Emirates Stadium'? I'm sorry, but from Highbury, a fairly iconic name, to this... you've got to laugh. It's a shame that they have to do this - and I refuse to believe they chose to do this. They have been awesome this year and last, have one of the best managers in the game, and still have to whore themselves for cash because they want a new stadium.

Then there's the possibility of Malcolm Glazier taking over Man Ure. The supporters don't want him, as he's raise ticket prices. So why don't the board tell him to piss off, like LFC chairman David Moores did to Steve Morgan this summer? Because The Scum are a PLC, and so their primary motivation is money, or, more specifically, the price of their shares.

Then we have Rafa Benitez, a class manager at a top club, suffering the legacy of a cautious manager and unable to do anything about it unless we have a decent cash injection at Liverpool. Yes, he worked wonders at Valencia on a limited budget, pipping Real and Barca to the La Liga title. But Real and Barca sack managers more often than Arsenal and Man Ure do, and at Arsenal and the Scum, the managers decide who to try and sign, not the Presidents.

Rafa's got his work cut out.

Owen Gone

2004-08-16T17:34:00.000Z

So, how do I feel as a Liverpool fan? Well, it's similar to when Robbie Fowler left - there's a mixture of emotions. True, Michael Owen was never held in the same affection as The Toxteth Terrier, but there's definitely a mixture of sadness and anger. Sadness that he has left the club, anger that he said he wanted to stay whilst all the time not signing a new contract and having his agents negotiate with Real Madrid.

I always knew he'd go abroad - I didn't think it'd be until he was 27 or thereabouts. I thought he'd sign a new deal and that's probably be his last at the club, unless we started spanking it at home and in Europe.

But we have to move on and Liverpool have got a pretty good strike-force in Cisse and Baros, providing Milan can take his international form and use it in the Premier. Hopefully we'll be bringing in a few more faces in the next week or so - against Spurs it was obvious that when Gerrard isn't on top form we find it difficult to supply the front two. Also Finno is no right winger. Nunez and Alonso should arrive on Thursday, with hopefully more to follow.

Sven Stays

2004-08-05T21:00:00.000Z

So the verdict is in: The FA have no case against Sven. How about the fact that he ain't good enough a manager?

Hopefully Sir Trev can fire a rocket up Mr Eriksson's arse - he did admit that our sitting back tactic in Euro 2004 was ill-judged. Maybe Sven will feel he's been let off, and will suddenly become as good as they said he was before he took up the post.

Sort out the left hand side, please Sven.

Time up for Sven?

2004-08-02T11:31:00.000Z

By the end of thursday we should all know whether Sven Goran Eriksson is still England manager. If he goes, and I hope he does, let it be for footballing reasons. Yes, he's been an idiot on more than one occasion now but that's his private life and (although British culture seems to say otherwise) has nothing to do with anyone apart from those individuals concerned.

I wanted an English coach when Sven got the job but he won me over and the team certainly picked up. However, Euro 2004 did not impress me at all and as a result I wouldn't complain at all if he was replaced.

Like most others, when I'm watching England play I think (briefly) I could do a better job as manager. Obviously I couldn't, but Sven has made mistakes and failed to address issues that I think are obvious problems. Like the left-hand side. How many people have been tried there? Ok, maybe we don't have a decent left-footed wide player but at the very least pick someone and give them a run there so they get used to it. And not a central midfielder. Why not Joe Cole, or Dyer? Then there was Beckham in Euro 2004, not up to it. No-one should be un-droppable. Why did John Terry come back into the side after Ledley King was outstanding against France? Why oh why can Sven not see that Scholes has been consistently shite for England for ages now? And that we were sitting back far too deep all the time? And that Vassell and Owen up front together would not help matters when all we were doing was pumping up high balls? Basic, basic stuff.

He should go. Bring in Curbo with a decent set of coaches.

So Paddy's joined the Toon

2004-07-22T11:32:00.000Z

Anyone else not bothered at all by Kluivert signing for Newcastle? There's no doubt he's got talent but he's also got attitude and to be honest, if he was so amazing, how did he end up at Newcastle? Surely the cream of Europe would be after him?

Newcastle have got a crap defence, an average midfield and signing Kluivert does not change that in the slightest.

Why can't Maureen shut up?

2004-07-22T11:30:00.000Z

Liverpool were linked with Mourinho after Houllier was given the push and all I can do is thank my lucky stars we didn't get him. The guy is in the news all the time, going on about this and that. Contrast that with Rafa and I know who I'd choose.

I did rate Mourinho but he's now just one more reason to hate Chelsea.

This guy will fit right in

2004-07-22T09:44:00.000Z

FRANCE Under 21 international midfielder Matthieu Flamini was branded a traitor after he joined English champions Ars*nal after failing to agree on a contract with Olympique Marseille.

The 20 year-old, whose 14 league matches for Marseille culminated in a starting place in last season's UEFA Cup final against Valencia, has reportedly signed a four-year deal with Ars*nal.

"He's a traitor," said Marseille coach Jose Anigo. "He cheated me. He didn't sign for us only because of the money. His argument that he wanted a first-team slot doesn't hold up, unless of course he plans to keep Vieira out of the Ars*nal team."

There will be no transfer fee as Matthieu had yet to sign a professional contract with Marseille but Ars*nal will have to pay Marseille compensation for his apprenticeship.

The move helps Ars*nal manager Arsene Wenger strengthen his midfield in case Patrick Vieira is lured to Real Madrid. (Which lets face it is looking likely!)

Fergie kindly acknowledges the existence of Spurs

2004-07-21T11:42:00.000Z

"I do see improvement in teams like Tottenham but essentially ourselves, Arsenal, Chelsea and Liverpool will be the ones challenging."

Truth or mind games? When we were top of the league for a few games under Hoddle a couple of years ago, Fergie called us champions league contenders. Soon after we were back in mid table. Personally, I'm feeling very optimistic about spurs at the mo, although I'm not necessarily expecting top 6, I know the club is going in the right direction.

The Rooney saga rumbles on...

2004-07-20T16:11:00.000Z

Paul Gregg, a director at Liverpool's feeder club, Everton, has admitted that it's Jug-Eared teenager may be sold - as it could significantly ease their financial strife. Man Utd, Real Madrid and everyone's favourite spendalots, Chelsea have all been linked with Shrek since his admittedly top-class performances at Euro 2004. With the price range looking to be £30 million or above there aren't that many clubs besides these three who would be in the running, and Rooney's not yet agreed to the 50k a week offered by the Bluenoses. Looks like he could be leaving Goodison before the start of the season...

The best strikeforce in the Premiership?

2004-07-20T16:07:00.000Z

So Cisse's finally been unveiled at Liverpool, having signed for a record fee of £14 million. Top scorer in the french league for the past few seasons, but hasn't set the international secen alight (yet) with only 3 goals from 16 caps.

Rafa Benitez, Liverpool's new boss, reckons that his strikeforce - Cisse, Michael Owen, Euro 2004 Top Scorer Milan Baros and the French youngster Pongolle - is the best in the league.

Personally I agree, but then I'm biased.

2004-07-18T11:26:00.000Z

Ok time for some premiership predictions, put yours in the comments...

2004-07-12T18:11:00.000Z

Helm's deeper is changing...

2004-05-23T16:46:00.000Z

Andrew Casey makes spirited attempt to keep Helm's Deeper alive!

2004-02-16T17:02:00.000Z

I can't tell you how glad I am that this website exists.

2004-01-26T11:33:00.000Z

A freakazoid plant...

...that can detect landmines.

2004-01-16T10:13:00.000Z

This is going to be all over the Web in about five minutes

2004-01-15T10:54:00.000Z

Teenage girl's x-ray vision baffles scientists.

Maybe she's another X-Man, like myself (I have as-yet under-developed powers of static electricity. All right, it's not a great power, but I'm not a Mystery Man).

2003-12-31T12:47:00.000Z

Lucky...

Dorothy Fletcher, 67, was flying to her daughter's wedding in Florida when she collapsed with chest pains.

A stewardess asked "Is there a doctor on board?" and 15 heart specialists stood up

Happy New Zealand, everyone.

2003-12-28T17:11:00.000Z

Got the archives page for Helm's Deeper up and running.

2003-12-23T16:29:00.000Z

Leon II, Andrew?

2003-11-17T21:01:00.000Z

Martin Keown on the cover of Time Magazine.

2003-11-12T18:01:00.000Z

CRISTIANO RONALDO:

2003-10-21T07:11:00.000Z

Nemesis

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-10-14T08:54:00.000Z

Fake Bullet Holes for your car

My word, how tasteful.

2003-10-10T11:03:00.000Z

Cheers to whoever put the Ashcroft terror warning level there on the left. There's a quite a cool one on the right hand links on Wil Wheaton's website (under 'fear').

2003-09-17T12:09:00.000Z

Canadian politician labelled pet-eating alien

2003-09-08T15:27:00.000Z

Write Your Own Mel Gibson Film

2003-09-02T13:16:00.000Z

From Gerald's blog:

Here's the first fantasy league update, and it's not looking good for me and JD in the first week. However, it is early days...

1 Thribblit 11pts

2 Jimas Athletic 7pts

3 Hmmboys of the world unite 6pts

4 Johnsey United 5pts

5 Wibbles United -1pts

6 Casey's Crew -2pts

The league now takes a break for internationals.

Now please excuse me, I've got to have a word to my squad........

2003-09-01T10:17:00.000Z

A very happy birthday to Paddy O'Johns!

2003-08-22T11:04:00.000Z

Brazilians turned away by UK Immigration after failing Beatles quiz

Well played. I think this should become standard procedure.

2003-08-22T09:25:00.000Z

You are Gambit from the X-men!

Your style and suaveness is a real hit with the ladies!
devoted you may not be, but you know what you
want and when you want it. But... there is
always room for change!

[Which of the X-men do you resemble most? - link via Glovefox]

Gambit has always been one of my favourite X-Men.

2003-08-20T13:06:00.000Z

What are you doing on September 19th? Talking like a pirate? Avast, me hearties.

2003-08-19T08:21:00.000Z

The hunt is on for best Jimmy Savile lookalikes

Specifically on Fancy-Dress Saturday at the next Test (Headingley).

This is one of the things I love about cricket in this country.

2003-08-18T16:53:00.000Z

Gerald politely requests that I draw your attention to the BBC Fantasy Football site where he has setup a challenge. When you register you should email him with your PIN and he'll add you to whatever it is he's setup.

Don't worry about coming last, I've already filled that position with my entry...

2003-07-31T09:52:00.000Z

Why Lord Why

2003-07-29T09:06:00.000Z

Crowd mistakenly interprets Dannii Minogue's pointing and general attempts to alert them to a sinking boat behind them as an exciting new dance.

'Not waving, but drowning' springs to mind...

2003-07-23T06:53:00.000Z

StarWars Kid in StarWars?

2003-07-22T15:01:00.000Z

mmm pizza

2003-07-16T10:36:00.000Z

Victoria Beckham on her new single:

"I think there's been a lot of anticipation for this record, a lot of people wondering what it's gonna be like, when it's gonna come out, because it's good music and I like it."

That does not compute. People are wondering what it's going to be like because it's good music? How do they know it's good music if they don't know what it's like?

2003-07-14T11:51:00.000Z

Return of the Garbage Pail kids

2003-07-14T08:42:00.000Z

Man goes on psychotic episode after drinking 10 cups of Jasmine tea.

Who needs alcohol?

2003-07-11T21:53:00.000Z

Can I get a rewind?

Cha'mone M*****f****!

2003-07-01T14:52:00.000Z

Man plans to open museum featuring his collection of...

...Mars Bar wrappers.

A touch unnecessary, perhaps?

2003-06-20T06:53:00.000Z

The most annoying webpage in the world... ever

2003-06-16T08:16:00.000Z

Something to delight Peter - George Clooney is apparently going to play the lead role of Colt Seavers in a remake of The Fall Guy.

2003-06-10T12:45:00.000Z

How crazy - I've just logged in as me to write my frandaze and landed myself here. What's going on? I've been dragged into the deep and I can't get out! Someone help please. Is this a trick?

2003-06-05T11:53:00.000Z

How dodgy are you? I got 15.5 years and £2000. Disgracefully good, really.

2003-06-05T10:42:00.000Z

Boy sets up Liverpool friendly after bumping into Houllier

2003-05-30T11:59:00.000Z

Those crazy Germans.

2003-05-29T21:37:00.000Z

Bill Murray to play the voice of Garfield the cat.

No one, I say no one, better. And it's not Claire Dane who'll be disagreeing with me.

2003-05-15T15:18:00.000Z

Ewan McGregor attacks the paparazzi

I might not get much support for this one, but he shoots his mouth off as much as Liam Gallagher, but not as amusingly.

2003-05-15T10:27:00.000Z

Remember, kids - God gave rock and roll to you.

2003-05-14T09:29:00.000Z

Someone's Guardian Angel working overtime:

Man alive despite turning his car over, then getting out and falling down a 50 foot ravine... and landing on a railway.

2003-05-13T12:48:00.000Z

So you think that you're unhappy in your job? Are you as unhappy as this guy?

2003-05-06T08:12:00.000Z

Superhero in Tunbridge Wells

I've got male relatives in Tunbridge Wells. One of them might be a fraction old for this sort of thing, but is it my Uncle?

...could be!

2003-05-02T11:47:00.000Z

Dwarf chameleons

Arguably the cutest thing you'll see today - unless I happen to walk past.

2003-04-30T08:24:00.000Z

Dead grandfather makes it to wedding ceremony

A trifle on the insane side.

2003-04-29T10:51:00.000Z

Germans banned from killing ants

2003-04-24T09:35:00.000Z

Some women scare me

2003-04-23T14:12:00.000Z

Filthy Mc Nasty's Whiskey Cafe

One for the Johns boys, ma.

2003-04-22T11:17:00.000Z

Beaah!!!

Fry and Laurie onscreen together for the first time since the early 1990s.

2003-04-16T15:43:00.000Z

Health chiefs confirm Sars is a new strain of the common cold, saying the discovery will aid efforts to find a cure.

But... there is no cure for the common cold...

2003-04-15T16:27:00.000Z

Never Forget the 96

2003-04-14T07:45:00.000Z

Creme Egg, anyone?

2003-04-11T13:02:00.000Z

Portillo works on checkout for Asda

No word of a lie.

2003-04-07T07:43:00.000Z

The Hell's that in the top left-hand corner then?

2003-04-05T13:36:00.000Z

Hello again Johnsey.

I have to say your star player was excellent. Man of the match by a long way. So congrats to him- Mr Mike Riley.

2003-03-31T07:48:00.000Z

US Department of Giggles.

2003-03-28T13:33:00.000Z

'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING

2003-03-28T11:18:00.000Z

Someone REALLY doesn't want Brighton's West Pier renovated...

2003-03-28T10:13:00.000Z

Liam Gallagher has a good point (and it's the one in the final bit of speech marks in the article).

2003-03-18T11:04:00.000Z

giggle

2003-03-12T11:38:00.000Z

"This... is the voice... of the Mysterons... we're not in at the moment, but if you'd like to leave your name and a number, we'll get right back to you."

Captain Scarlet to make a return in 3D cgi form...

2003-03-12T11:11:00.000Z

The healing power of Bryan Adams

2003-03-12T09:40:00.000Z

Call to honour space aliens

This is one of the more insane things I've heard, although the source doesn't surprise me.

2003-03-04T15:32:00.000Z

Archbishop of Canterbury takes part in pancake race

And Dr. Williams was not merely motivated by his stomach - the event was in aid of Fairtrade.

2003-03-03T16:50:00.000Z

Fourth suspect particle found near nuclear plant

The best bit is the para that reads "The particle, resulting from historical operations, was removed from the beach and taken to the Dounreay site for analysis."

I wonder if they used tweezers.

2003-03-02T16:05:00.000Z

Hello Johnsey.

2003-02-25T07:48:00.000Z

Buy Tony Blair. Only for sale until 12:10 today, so get in quick!

2003-02-17T12:55:00.000Z

Kiwi caught speeding semi-naked on motorised bar stool.

And it gets better.

2003-02-13T15:36:00.000Z

Woman catches knife thrown by would-be robber

This is pretty cool. Good to know it's done in real life. I've always had a sneaking suspicion I'd be able to do so.

2003-02-11T12:54:00.000Z

Police dismiss 'evil' rumours in search for missing Dracula statue

Romanian police are investigating after a 13th century statuette vanished from a locked room in Castle Dracula during an electrical storm. Chief investigator Danut Sindrilau said: "Lightning struck the castle and plunged it into darkness, and when the lights came back on the statue had vanished."

2003-02-07T15:54:00.000Z

This story comes to me from friend AMW, and is causing much confusion at work. I like to spread confusion wherever I can!

2003-02-06T21:38:00.000Z

I know this is an old 'un, but it's worth putting in:

Irish parliament receives security advice from A-Team.

I love it when a bleauh.

2003-02-05T14:32:00.000Z

Japanese scientist invents 'invisibility cloak'

This is just about the most amazing thing I've seen in a long, long, time. And the Bond films got there first - as has often been the case with their gadgets...

2003-02-05T13:30:00.000Z

Spider-Man haunts pensioner

2003-02-05T10:20:00.000Z

Japanese express train makes special stop for exam girl.

The milk of human kindness, etc. etc.

2003-02-05T09:07:00.000Z

Punxsutawney Phil says it's going to stay winter for a while. I for one believe him.

Well, it's Groundhog Day... again...

2003-02-04T17:57:00.000Z

Text-tastic. This is the homepage of a friend from Footlights. Pretty impressive text picture.

2003-02-04T08:44:00.000Z

Punxsutawney Phil says it's going to stay winter for a while. I for one believe him.

Haven't I done this before or something...?

2003-02-03T09:56:00.000Z

I am heroic couplets; most precise
And fond of order. Planned and structured. Nice.
I know, of course, just what I want; I know,
As well, what I will do to make it so.
This doesn't mean that I attempt to shun
Excitement, entertainment, pleasure, fun;
But they must keep their place, like all the rest;
They might be good, but ordered life is best.

(If not heroic couplets, then blank verse)

What Poetry Form Are You?

2003-02-03T09:36:00.000Z

Punxsutawney Phil says it's going to stay winter for a while. I for one believe him.

2003-02-02T18:00:00.000Z

Punxsutawney Phil says it's going to stay winter for a while. I for one believe him.

2003-01-31T13:46:00.000Z

Ringo says new version of 'Let It Be' is 'Beautful'.

Might be good. You never know.

2003-01-30T12:56:00.000Z

Simpsons fans receive email from Homer

Read this. It's very, very good, and it's got Homer Simpson's e-mail address in it.

I kid you not.

2003-01-30T10:12:00.000Z

Steve Davis through to poker final at first attempt

2003-01-29T16:50:00.000Z

Girl brings crack cocaine to school for show-and-tell

Well... whoops!

(Show-and-tell - see an excellent episode of The Simpsons for an example of this... the one with the dog in the ventiliation system and Marvin's geode.)

2003-01-27T14:18:00.000Z

Is this a Benny Hill-style US Presidency?

2003-01-27T14:14:00.000Z

On the subject of music, Magic Carpet Ride by Steppenwolf is another bonus track.